By: TIFFANY GRACE REYES
How do you get him to dump you? Read up on these surefire tips to set yourself free.
Ever experienced having to break up with a guy because you’re just not into him, he pisses you off all the freaking time, or you just don’t love him anymore? It’s hard, right? Do you ever wish he’ll just break up with you and spare you from anxiety and being the bad guy? If you’re saying, I hate my boyfriend, it is time for action! Read: 16 types of guys not to date
How to get him to dump you
If you’re having a hard time breaking up, and an even harder time staying in the relationship, get it all over and done with and make him think he’s the one who’s dumping you instead of the other way around. Read these tips to find out how.
#1 Put him on a pedestal. Or at least, make him believe so. Make it seem like you had a sudden revelation. You can now see with clear vision you are just a lowly country girl never at par with someone like him. Practice your lines as you tell him how much you don’t deserve him, that he deserves someone better, someone more sophisticated, more mature, more of everything you can never be.
Works best: for yuppie guys, older men, or guys who are generally overachievers and well-off in life.
#2 Cold shoulder, cold turkey. Just when he thinks he’s secure in the relationship *and all the while you’re getting bored as hell*, give him a sudden silent treatment. Like you suddenly fell off the face of the earth. Don’t respond to his text messages, emails, IMs, comments—better yet, just turn off your phone.
Don’t show up in places where you usually meet. If he goes to your place all worried, show an utter lack of apathy and just shrug it off. Or tell him you’ve been busy, and you forgot about him.
Works best: if you have already established a communication and date routine, or if the guy is clingy and needy.
#3 Ex-factor. This is better if you build this up over time, like a couple of weeks. Mention a little bit about where your ex used to work, and gradually talk about all your other exes and how this or that reminded you of them.
And then one day, go all out and talk about your exes all the time. If you find a way to compare him with any or all your exes, so much better.
Works best: for guys who are insecure about your successful, rich, handsome, long-term exes.
#4 Name drop. While having sex, scream, “Yes, oh yes! Danny Arquette!” or mention some other guy’s name *like an ex or someone he knows from your office*. Or, if he has a guy you know he’s jealous of, mention that name while you’re about to come. He’ll be blown out of his wits so much that he’ll really consider just bowing out. Bingo! *but he’s gonna really hate you for this!*
Works best: for practically all guys!
#5 Forget looks. Yes. Bring out that uncaring, unsexy, unappetizing side of you. The side that always comes up when you’re alone and on your period and would rather be in your sweats eating ice cream and not taking a bath for days.
Stop getting pretty, wear awful baggy clothes, ditch the makeup, and better yet throw the deo in the garbage. The bigger of a slob you are, the faster he’ll run away from you.
Works best: for guys who are nitpicky, metrosexual, or superficial ones, or those who always compliment you on how pretty or sexy you are. [Read: The coward’s guide to making your partner break up with you]
#6 Forget holidays. And birthdays. And any other important days you would have spent together in a special or celebratory way. If he expects you to show up with him at his parents’ anniversary, tell him you totally forgot or just admit that you don’t want to come. Make him feel what he finds important is trivial for you. You won’t waste your rest days for those things.
Works best: on guys who are big on holidays and family.
#7 Make him jealous. Nothing hurts a man’s ego more than if you make him feel inferior in front of another man. Make him jealous every way you can. Out in a bar having drinks? Flirt with the bartender. In an exhibit? Cozy up with the artist. In the supermarket? Wink and smile sexily at every guy that looks at you. In his family reunion? Flirt with his brother—or dad, if you’re that daring.
Works best: for almost every guy, especially the clingy ones and even the over-confident ones too.
#8 Go out with his best bud. Find out what you can about his best friend and when the time is right, catch the best friend alone and try getting frisky with him. Or ask the best bud for favors, like if he can fix your plumbing, check out your car’s engine, accompany you shopping for gifts for your boyfriend—but end up flinging yourself on him. If you end up having sex, then better—make sure your boyfriend knows all about it.
Works best: because this is every guy’s worst nightmare.
#9 Forget sex. It’s no secret—men *and yes, women too* are highly sexual beings. They love to touch and be touched, kiss and be kissed. They expect sex from their girlfriends, too, of course. On your date night, instead of the usual routine of making out and having sex right after dinner and some wine, decline his advances.
Tell him any excuse why you don’t want to have sex every time an opportunity comes. Sooner or later, he’ll be wandering around and forgetting about you.
Works best: if you used to always have sex or if he’s a very sexual person.
#10 Cling on. Be super clingy. Like, the type who’d text him every 30 minutes and have a nervous breakdown if he doesn’t reply within two minutes of your last text.
At work, show up unexpectedly because you just want to see him. Call him in the middle of the night just because you miss him and can’t sleep. Send him a hundred “I love you’s” with all the sweet emojis you can use. Sooner or later, he’ll break and breakup with you.
Works best: if you already know he’s an independent type who’s easily turned off by needy, clingy women.
#11 Trash him. Be all singing and dancing while sipping on your fruit smoothie and even if he thinks you’re hot shimmying all over the house, it all goes down when you spill your drink all over his computer, iPhone, game consoles, and collection of precious, precious Pokémon cards.
Works best: for techie, geeky, gamer guys who spend hundreds of dollars on their gadgets and gizmos.
#12 Make a scene. When you’re out for dinner, pretend you saw your boyfriend flirting with the waiter or another girl in the restaurant. If he denies it, slowly raise your voice until everyone starts to look. And that’s your cue.
Stand up and shout on the top of your lungs, “Don’t deny it! I saw you flirting with her!” and then point at some random woman in the room. Be utterly illogical and embarrassing. We bet your boyfriend is going to be so embarrassed he’ll break up with you right there and then.
Works best: if you took acting lessons *or at least practiced in the mirror* and if he’s the silent, broody type of guy who doesn’t even like PDA.
#13 Just say it. Just say you hate his guts. Say it loud and say it clear so there’s no room for misunderstanding. If he doesn’t believe you, say it again. You hate him. You hate how he just leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and not on the hamper, how he doesn’t open doors for you anymore, how he eyes other ladies like you’re not there, and how he just utterly annoys the living bejeezus out of you. Say it.
Works best: for virtually every guy who you just learned to hate for being insensitive, callous pricks.
You can do a combo of two or three of the tips above at the same time. Go ahead. Act crazy. If there’s ever one moment you just want to act out and go crazy and channel all the angst you’ve been feeling against the world—take it out on your boyfriend. If he cheated on you, abused you, disappointed you countless times, or just used you, then he deserves to be booted out.
Also, you can always give him a cake that says, “I think we should see other people.” And then dump it on his face. In front of his buddies. Before you make a graceful exit. THAT is always a good idea.
Guys pull the same tricks on us all the time, so it’s fair game. And don’t think you’ll go easy on him while he’s being a jerk and not treating you right. Before losing your mind, just use these tips to get your awful boyfriend to dump you.